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How Toxic Parents Affect Black Adults: Addressing The Secret Taboo
Disclaimer: This article about toxic parents is written for educational purposes. I am not a qualified psychologist or a mental health professional. There may be some errors and omissions and this post has been written accurately to the best of my knowledge. Read this at your own risk.
What is Toxic Parenting?
Toxic parenting is a pattern of negative behaviours where parents use fear, manipulation and guilt to control their children. According to Talkspace, toxic parents display negative behaviours that are damaging to their children’s self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence in children and adults.
A graphic of a black mother and daughter facing slightly away from each other, feeling angry. A graphic by Crownlab from Canva. What It’s Like Being Raised By a Toxic Parent/s?
Raising children in an emotionally, verbally or physically abusive environment leads to a dysfunctional family; where the repetition of damaging behaviour such as emotional abuse becomes the norm and parents continue to use toxic parenting which can lead to generational trauma.
Toxic parents create a miserable environment for their children and this could lead to children feeling like they are not respected or valued. On top of that, they are not allowed to express themselves and answering back to their parents is frowned upon and perceived as disrespectful.
In addition, toxic parenting by African parents is running rampant and this issue needs to be addressed because it is affecting a lot of black adults in the African Diaspora. Any parent can be toxic regardless of race, but it is too pervasive in the black community.
Nonetheless, toxic parents are more likely to have a broken relationship with their children because African parents who are harmful do not communicate with their children not even getting to know their children and their hobbies. Instead, they focus more on blaming and criticising adult children when as they get older.
Instead of trying to fix the broken relationship, toxic parents refuse to take accountability regarding how toxic parenting has affected their children’s mental health.
A black woman is feeling sad and covering her face—graphic by Aleksse on Canva. What Are The Signs Of Toxic Parents?
An article by Psychology Today presented a list of 12 questions to help people recognise whether or not their mum, dad or parents are toxic. Here are some traits and signs that may explain their damaging behaviours:
- Emotionally and Verbally Abusive- This type of abuse is harder to recognise and it tends to affect children psychologically. This can include belittling your child, name-calling, calling you worthless and threats of violence. This can affect a child’s self-esteem when they become adults. Other forms of emotional abuse are emotional manipulation and gaslighting.
- Physically abusive- Adults who were raised by physically abusive and authoritarian parents may feel more fearful and walk on eggshells around them
- Criticism- Emotionally detached parents can criticise you on your actions such as how you have your hair, how you dress especially wearing shorts as an adult and if you wear nose piercings they will ask you why you’re wearing nose piercings.
- Emotional manipulation- Toxic parents may use emotional manipulation tactics such as emotional blackmail to get a desired action over their child.
- Control- Their child’s life is controlled in a way that they can dictate what is appropriate to wear in a house even when their children are adults.
- Blaming- They blame their children when it’s not their fault instead of taking ownership of the issue.
- Dismissive of their child’s feelings– This is typical because if parents refuse to acknowledge their feelings, they are more likely to dismiss their emotions.
- Overreact- As an adult, you may have memories of your parents overreacting over something that required them to be more understanding.
An illustration of a black woman who is depressed looking out the window. Illustration by Craftery Co on Canva. Signs That May Affect You As An Adult
Bustle outlined signs that may explain some of the behaviours that we do as adults:
- Taking failure and rejection too hard- If you see failure as a negative, this may be that you don’t see failure as a way to grow which shows that you are too hard on yourself.
- Avoiding your parents- This could be because of unresolved issues and because you didn’t grow up in an environment where open communication was encouraged, which has allowed you to reduce your contact with them.
- Inner critic- if you felt pressured to achieve higher grades because your parents told you to achieve higher after you failed that can lead to you becoming a perfectionist.
Traits of Emotionally Immature Parents
An illustration of a black woman looking angry. Illustration by Vasile-saptefrati from Canva I read a book about toxic parents who are emotionally immature and the author listed traits of emotionally immature parents that the reader can resonate with as an adult.
- Selfish- Emotionally immature parents don’t see things from other people’s perspectives, they are too focused on their own needs and don’t consider other people’s feelings.
- Lack of accountability- they don’t take accountability for the actions that may upset their children such as hurting their feelings. Instead, they pretend that everything is fine and bury issues under the rug.
- Imposing failed ambitions on their children- some African parents often tell their children that they should work in industries such as working in a bank, being a lawyer or a doctor.
- There is nothing wrong with these jobs, but parents shouldn’t impose their ambitions on their children because they may not be interested in them. It’s important to let them decide what they want to do.
What are the effects of toxic parenting?
Blunt Therapy states that children who were raised by toxic parents who were emotionally abusive are more likely to deal with mental health challenges such as imposter syndrome and may develop anxiety and depression.
In addition, toxic parenting in the black community could lead to distant relationships because they haven’t made an effort to get to know their children or take an interest in their children.
The effects of living with toxic parents are upsetting because someone may display behaviours that they learned from their parents such as giving the silent treatment. This is damaging because we may have picked up negative behaviours that were normalised in a toxic household. It’s important to recognise the steps that need to be taken to connect and express yourself. Healing is an ongoing journey.
Final Thoughts
I’m not saying all African parents are toxic, however, many adults have been affected by their upbringing. Another common thing is that therapy isn’t spoken widely amongst African parents, instead they turn to prayers.
Toxix parents must be held accountable for their parenting style because this isn’t normal. You must be mentally, financially and emotionally prepared to raise children. It’s good to see other black vloggers on YouTube speaking out about their toxic parent’s behaviour.
Thank you for reading this blog post, I appreciate your support and if you are a black woman part of the African diaspora who can relate to this post, let me know what you think about this article and how this has affected you as a black adult.
Book: Dealing With Emotionally Immature Parents: How To Handle Toxic Parents by Priscilla Posey
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How Anaemia Affects Fibroids: The Hidden Connection
Disclaimer: This article regarding anaemia is for educational purposes in this lifestyle blog and may include the blogger’s opinions. The information written is accurate and to the best of my knowledge, however, some information may be omitted. I am not a qualified medical professional so this should not be seen as advice. I reserve the right to change how I run and manage this blog and may change focus at any time.
Photo of iron-deficiency anaemia from Hailshadow from Getty Images Signature on Canva. Isn’t anaemia annoying? Imagine feeling sleepy at different times of the day and it keeps happening. The one thing that shocked me was that fibroids can develop as a result of being diagnosed with anaemia.
A tired black woman in a blazer is sitting in front of her laptop with headphones. Photo from dimaberlinphotos from Canva. What is anaemia?
Anaemia is a medical condition that affects your health and ultimately your energy. According to the NHS, “anaemia is when your body doesn’t have enough red blood cells to carry oxygen around your body.”
What are the symptoms of anaemia?
According to BUPA, they outlined several symptoms such as “feeling tired, weak, faint and dizzy.”Living with anaemia meant that I would feel tired a lot and I cannot stress how not having enough iron can affect your mood and overall wellness.
What causes anaemia?
As mentioned by Flo, the period tracker app, there are a few causes that can lead to anaemia such as:
- Blood loss through period- if a woman has heavy periods then a lot of the blood would be lost during menstruation which could affect the iron in the body leading to low energy.
- Not eating enough foods high in iron- another cause can be if someone isn’t eating enough iron this could pro into anaemia since the red blood cells are not getting iron.
Hungry black lady holding an empty plate and yawning from Nwezi Confidence’s Images from Canva. When was the first time I had anaemia?
My first experience with the condition happened when I was in college. I started my A-Levels in 2011 and I remember sitting on the bus feeling tired. And I started taking iron tablets hoping that it would never return.
So, what happened during lockdown?
Fast forward to 2020, COVID-19 happened and in March 2020, we went into lockdown I started to feel fatigued again. Several months later, I studied for a postgraduate degree and I went to the GP, took blood tests and discovered that I was anaemic.
Several months later, I started a postgraduate degree in 2020 and I went to the GP, took the blood tests and discovered that I had anaemia.
In April 2021, I notified the tutor in my course that I had an appointment and wouldn’t be able to attend the virtual seminar. I went to the hospital and went for an uncomfortable scan. Then, I got dressed and I went back to the waiting room.
The doctor entered the room and explained the results and she revealed that I have fibroids, I felt shocked and disappointed to hear the news and I wasn’t expecting it to lead to a shocking diagnosis.
I left the hospital feeling disheartened and decided to research fibroids when I got back to the student accommodation, only to find out that the causes may have contributed to developing fibroids.
Tips on managing your diet with anaemia and fibroids?
1. The first tip is to eat more green vegetables started to eat more green vegetables such as green beans, Broccoli and Kale. Growing up in a Congolese household my diet was meat, fish and plant-based foods. When I started university, I started to eat more plant-based foods and started to reduce dairy foods and meat intake.
2. The second tip is switching from dairy milk to plant-based milk. At university, I started to drink more plant-based milk such as Oat and Soya milk. I like soya and oat milk because they are delicious and it has been a good investment in reducing dairy.
3. The third tip is eating more potassium, I have been eating more potassium in my 20s. An article by Livestrong highlighted some of the foods that I enjoy eating that are high in potassium and good for your health. These are:
- Bananas
- Lentils
- Yoghurt
- Avocado
- Yoghurt
4. My fourth tip is taking vitamin D supplements, I have been taking vitamin D supplements as part of my medication. According to the British Heart Foundation,
“one in six adults have low levels of vitamin D.”
– british heart foundationTaking vitamin D has been a major part of my life since vitamin D manages my energy levels and eating foods that are rich in vitamin D is good for your bones and teeth.
5. The 5th tip that I want to add is eating more iron and looking for foods that are in fibre such as meat and pulses.
6. My final tip is exercise, we know that doing workouts that suit your needs and make you feel confident in yourself.
Final Thoughts
I hope you enjoyed reading this short blog post based on my experiences and how I deal with anaemia. I hope the tips that I offered were helpful and that they gave you some ideas on what you could do to manage your anaemia. The important thing is to do what works best for you and focus on your health.
Don’t forget to comment below and let me hear your thoughts about managing anaemia and fibroids. Share this article with other black women who would like to know more tips about managing anaemia. As always, I appreciate feedback on my writing.
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The Hidden Battle: Exploring Imposter Syndrome in Black Women
Disclaimer: This information is to be read for educational purposes. I am not a mental health professional or a psychologist specialising in imposter syndrome.
A photo of a black woman wearing a white top with looking sad with her hand on her forehead. Photo by Dragan991 of Getty Images from Canva. What is Imposter Syndrome
According to Psych Central, imposter syndrome is when you are doubting yourself and your skills because you feel inadequate and not confident in your capabilities. Psychologists Dr Imes and Dr Clance coined the term imposter syndrome in 1978 based on a study that involved mostly white women from middle to upper-class backgrounds.
These women held senior positions in companies and included medical and college students from different universities, and what they discovered was that these participants had self-doubt and felt inadequate and thought that they tricked people into thinking that they were capable of their roles.
A photo of a black woman with shaved hair looking worried with self-doubt. What are the causes?
Family and Upbringing
Parents can put pressure on their children to achieve high grades especially if they are from an African household where education is highly important. While education is essential, placing a lot of pressure on children can affect mental health which isn’t always considered.
And this can manifest into anxiety and fear as a result of setting high standards. An example of this is when I failed two subjects which were sociology and English Language when I studied for my A-levels at Bury College.
On top of that, I remember going to college with my Mum and discussing the next steps with English teachers. I ended up dropping Sociology and keeping English because I preferred English Language.
As soon as I got home, I had a headache and I remember my Dad telling me to aim for high grades. I took that speech and started to put pressure on myself which manifested into becoming a perfectionist at university.
Personality
There are certain traits that some people have that make them a perfectionist. This could be linked towards people who identify themselves as introverts. This trait can lead to stress due to overworking and overpreparing content, which can lead to tiredness.
Photo of a self-note Don’t Doubt Yourself by Marian Marganingsih from Getty Images on Canva. How does Self-Doubt relate to feeling like an imposter?
Self-doubt is when someone doubts themselves and their skills. It involves doubting yourself based on negative experiences, situations and different aspects of life.
Also, self-doubt is the main factor behind the feeling of imposter syndrome because you don’t have the confidence to carry out tasks that can help you progress to your next goal.
Statistics of Imposter Syndrome
A study in the Independent revealed that around 4,000 people have experienced this type of self-doubt. 53% of women have experienced imposter syndrome and 72% of women are more likely to have imposter experience at work.
In comparison, 63% of men are also at a higher risk of having imposter syndrome at work. Although this research shows women are more likely to experience imposter syndrome at work. Unfortunately, it doesn’t mention the percentage of black women who also have this form of self-doubt because there are reasons such as microaggressions and being underrepresented at work which can lead to feeling inadequate.
What’s it really like to have imposter syndrome?
The negative thoughts are influenced by an inner critic (it’s like having someone in your head telling you that you can’t do something, spreading doubt into your mind that leads to low confidence). Here are the reasons why imposter syndrome is detrimental:
- It can hinder your growth as an individual, as a content creator
- And this could even lead to past, negative experiences that have already happened that can affect this feeling of incompetence.
- Makes you feel frustrated even though you are aware of your skills and achievements a strong inner critic is reminding you why shouldn’t be doing these things.
- You will overthink things and think about the things that could go wrong.
What are limiting beliefs?
Photo of a handwriting with a cup of coffee. Photo by Marekuliasz from Getty Images on Canva. Some people who have imposter syndrome experience different emotions such as fear, guilt and frustration that can reinforce their limiting beliefs. According to the Happier Human blog, limiting beliefs is a “state of mind or thoughts that you believe are true. “
Here are some examples that I went through during my long hiatus of blogging:
- I’m not a good blogger because I don’t have experience creating content for businesses.
- My writing isn’t good enough or I don’t have any experience in writing so I am going to stop writing.
- I don’t look good on camera and have no idea what to say so I will not record myself.
- I don’t have enough of a large audience so how can I possibly continue blogging?
- My content isn’t good enough so maybe I should stop blogging altogether.
- I wrote 9 blog posts when I first started blogging and eventually, I started becoming demotivated and started to doubt myself. I stopped blogging and didn’t return until this year.
Limiting beliefs relates to imposter syndrome because it is a story based on an experience that keeps you in your comfort zone. This shows how powerful imposter syndrome can be and can get out of control if we don’t tackle it from the beginning.
black woman looking sad with her hand under her chin. Photo by Jessica photos from Getty Images Signature on Canva. The Effects of Imposter Syndrome
The consequences can manifest in traits such as perfectionism, procrastination on tasks, self-doubt and even anxiety.
Feeling like an imposter syndrome is not a mental illness but it can take a toll on you emotionally. Doubting yourself causes you to overthink things and you end up thinking about things that could go wrong instead of doing it.
On top of that, you end up feeling guilty because you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing and it becomes a cycle that is hard to break. And it will take different strategies to overcome it.
When in reality you realise that once you have completed the tasks that were worrying you, you realise that it wasn’t such a big deal.
Perfectionism
Another effect of imposter syndrome is perfectionism. Perfectionism can be detrimental because it doesn’t allow us to think about embracing failures and making errors. It is rooted in always trying to make your work look perfect.
As mentioned by Dr Orbe-Austin, author of Own Your Greatness and a psychologist perfectionism is related to self-doubt because you are always reaching for expectations that are not realistic, not realising that being perfect hurts your creativity, and it will leave you feeling stuck and not go any further.
There is nothing wrong with producing high-quality work, but when someone is a perfectionist it can be exhausting and it involves focusing your energy on setting unrealistic expectations. A perfectionist will aim for their best and when they don’t reach for the goals, they start taking it out on themselves.
An image of an inspirational quote by Marekuliasz from Canva. Signs you may have imposter syndrome
An article by Teachable outlined signs that show a person may be experiencing imposter syndrome. Here are some of the common signs:
- Fear of not living up to people’s expectations
- Setting unrealistic expectations
- Feeling inadequate and don’t believe that you have the skills or experience to create content.
- Sabotaging your success as a result of self-doubt
- Perfectionism
- Low self-confidence
Types of imposters
According to Valerie Young, a renowned expert in imposter syndrome and the author of The Secrets Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from It and How to Thrive in Spite of It. In her research, she identified 5 types of imposters :
The Perfectionist
This person tends to want their work to be perfect, sets unrealistic goals and punishes themselves when they can’t meet their goals or have failed to meet one of the goals. Instead of acknowledging the hard work, they take it out on themselves.
The Soloist
According to Simply Psychology, soloists enjoy working independently and believe they can do things by themselves. They believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness and even though they know they can ask for help, they don’t want people to think that they can’t do things by themselves.
Superhero/heroine
As mentioned by the tilt, this person feels adequate when juggling multiple responsibilities and if they can’t manage various roles then they may start to feel like they are a failure because they are not keeping up with being the superperson and feel like they have tricked people into thinking they are the superhero or heroine.
Expert
This person feels adequate by how much and what they know and need to have the necessary skills and qualifications such as applying for jobs. If they don’t know enough about a topic they can start doubting themselves.
Natural genius
This person tends to learn things at a quicker speed and “they tend to put little effort into the work they are doing” and if it takes longer for them to learn or understand a topic, this can make them feel like a failure.
Final Thoughts
There are many ways to overcome imposter syndrome and this will be discussed in another article which looks at how these strategies can help black women who acknowledge their imposter syndrome and want to overcome it.
It starts with self-compassion, knowing your self-worth, and learning from your upbringing because we know that many things have contributed to our self-doubt that can come from upbringing.
It took me a long time to know that confidence is a powerful belief that can change your life significantly. I know that slowly the belief in myself will become second nature.
Thank you for reading my article I hope this will help black women who have imposter syndrome and recognise that everyone can doubt themselves, it becomes a problem when imposter syndrome affects your mental health.
If you enjoyed reading this article, don’t forget to comment and share. If you have any content ideas that can elevate and educate unapologetic black women, let me know in the comments.
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